Fear and Trust - A Painful Pairing

Yesterday, I cut and pasted my 2004 account of the sexual abuse I suffered in 1986 into this blog.  I tried a couple of times, but I can't read it.  I wrote it, but I can't read it.  If I need to verbally discuss everything that happened with the attorney, my inability to even read the words I've written might be problematic.  I guess I'm not sure if I have the strength to revisit all the emotions again.  When they rear their head, they feel almost as intense as they did 27 years ago.  What floors me really is the fear I still feel.  I'm 43 years old and I am still terrified of what he could do to me and my family.  What is he willing to do to keep me quiet this time around?  That's whats scary.  He can no longer ostracize me from the Jewish Community, or take away educational or recreational opportunities.  I'm afraid he could do much worse.  He is a narcissist and will do whatever is necessary to protect his image. Like 1986 he has his minions - people who admire and look to him with cult like fascination. I guess I have to hope he is not capable of violence.

The attorney called yesterday. He gets a lot of big whopping brownie points for actually calling on the day he said he would.  I was a paralegal for many years and I can tell you this timely phone call in and of itself is an accomplishment worth applauding.  Not sure if this will finally be the time that all of this is exposed, and that those who did so much damage are brought to justice, but I guess I can hope for the best.  Each time I rehash this part of my past I think: "Certainly this isn't rearing its head again!" But I suppose maybe someday the injustice of it all will cause a wrong to be righted - maybe karma will finally get its encore.  I certainly am not going to hold my breath; and while I used to live behind rose colored glasses, I've learned with age and experience that the good guys don't always come out on top.

I cant get back the innocence that I lost. You should be able to trust a rabbi, a priest, a preacher, a minister... but you can't.  You cannot trust anyone until they prove themselves to be trustworthy. All the turmoil and pain of those months in 1986 occurred in some sort of vacuum. I've contained them there, but the effects travel like spider veins throughout my life; Branching off and moving in different directions and different times for different reasons and purposes. It pains me to admit, but so much of my past defined who I have become.  Even if I fight against it, and win at times, I can't deny the facts and how they have transpired.  I look at my youngest child who will be 14 in a few months and I realize how young and impressionable I was at 15-16.  Our brains aren't completely working right - everything is still misfiring.  The only blame I can take is for being a lost teenage soul.  I repeat that again and again to myself.  In 1986 I was blamed; by my own parents, youth leaders and other clergy members, so despite the repetition its hard to acknowledge the accuracy of that statement. It sickens me to think of a grown man - a rabbi, who my daughter trusts, taking advantage of her impressionability and naivety the way I was taken advantage of. The damage it did to my self image has yet to be repaired.

I hate to sound so jaded, but my gut tells me that this sicko will fall through the cracks again.  He will continue to hurt women because he is incapable of anything else. I know some of his other victims, and like myself I think they want to pack it all in a box and put it up in their emotional attic. Reliving this again and again takes a serious toll on ones psyche - and once again with no guarantee of closure. I am going to make promise to myself this time that it will be my last attempt to bring him to justice.  If there is a supreme being, he will get his when the time comes.  But here on earth there is just so much one not very strong woman can do.

I am still quite sick, and haven't been able to create any new pieces. It's deep in my chest now and another doctor visit may be in order.  I really don't want pneumonia.  I have a few custom orders waiting in the wings, but my mind and body wont allow the endeavor.  Sitting around coughing, alternating between a low grade fever and the chills, blowing my nose, sneezing, and wheezing keeps me busy and miserable 100% of the time. 

Here is a pic of one of the custom orders I just completed before getting so sick. The necklace has photo charms of this mom's three children and is going to be given as a birthday or Mother's Day gift.  This mom loves pink and the gift giver insured me that she will absolutely love it!  Maybe later in the day I'll feel up to creating something - it might be a new doctor bill though!